Switch Switch
by peroxidepest17
Summary: Zoro ingests a Devil's Fruit. Hilarity ensues.
1. Girlish Fantasies

**Title: **Girlish fantasies.  
**Universe:** One Piece  
**Theme/Topic: **Dream Fulfilled  
**Rating:** R? Light R.  
**Character/Pairing/s:** SanjixZoro  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None I can imagine. Crack and OOC though.  
**Word Count: **753  
**Summary:** Dreams do come true. Even stupid perverted chef ones.  
**Dedication:** tokkichan- second prize drabble for her second correct answer on my meme quiz! This is probably NOT what you expected given the prompt. **  
A/N:** This is full of WTF if anything ever was. MY APOLOGIES. And I dunno, does it count as a sort-of-crossover? Maybe. LOL  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, though I wish constantly.  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

"Wipe that goddamned smirk off your face."

"Haaai Zoro-chwan!" Sanji promptly wiped it off his face.

Zoro made a face all his own. "Oh my _god_."

Sanji—oblivious at how very, very disturbing this was-- danced around the galley and presented Zoro with some fruity drinks and big, heart-eyed adoration. "Dinner coming up, my love!"

"Stop it," Zoro growled.

"Haaaaai!"

The swordsman looked down at himself and thought that this was just extremely fucking _predictable _of the bastard. He also wondered if being as scrawny armed as he suddenly found himself being changed the intensity of his punches any (and whether he ought to try it out on the perverted chef on his next pirouette pass beside the table to see). Judging from the way Nami creamed Luffy good and solid on occasion though, he decided being scrawny armed probably had nothing to do with how well anyone landed a punch.

Well, good.

Made this a little bit easier.

Though still… not _completely _good or easy.

He kind of wished he still you know, had his dick.

The thought pained him a little. He stood. "I'm going to go take a hot bath," he said, even though it was a pain in the ass to wait for the water to warm and then draw it (and he'd already done it like, three goddamned times today).

"But Zoro-chwaaaan, I just made your favorite soup!" heart-eyed Sanji bemoaned, and was practically drooling all over himself looking at Zoro's boobs but trying not to because he was still a gentleman or some other such bullshit.

Zoro supposed he maybe ought to figure out how to wear a bra one of these days. For the occasions when he got cold-water doused and turned into a girl. Because his tits did this weird thing when they were cold and wet and the white shirt—now about six sizes too big-- probably wasn't helping any.

"Goddamned Switch-Switch fruit," he muttered under his breath, and turned to go.

Not that he minded being a girl every once in a while or anything. Wasn't a big deal to him in the grand scheme of things because either way he was still going to be the world's number one swordsman. And since girls could still do the same things guys could, it wasn't a particular matter of concern for him. Besides, on top of all that, girls could also get Sanji to make them their favorite goddamned soup at the fucking drop of the hat, which was a nice bonus.

Though even still, it was a little bit disturbing to look at himself and wonder where the _fuck_ his waist went. Felt inhuman to be around about the same size as Nami (who, as far as he was concerned still wasn't quite human).

But yeah, all in all, the being-a-girl-every-now-and-again part wasn't the part that bothered Zoro so much—just one of the consequences of his accidental ingestion of that damned Devil's Fruit a couple of days ago. He could face the consequences of his actions with no problem.

What_ did_ bother him though—just a little bit-- was the fact that that particular Devil's Fruit had been the one, _the single one _on all Grandline that was capable of making every one of Sanji's goddamned perverted dreams come true. Of _all the possibilities_, Zoro had to land the fruit that fucking turned him into Sanji's porno sex fantasy.

Because—by the blond idiot's skewed logic-- this definitely (somehow) upped his chances of finally getting to sleep with a _girl_.

But not by much.

Not by goddamned much.

Not if Zoro could help it anyway.

"What should we name our babies, Zoro-chwan?" Sanji sing-songed in the background as he chopped salad and grilled Zoro's favorite beef skewers on the stove. "How about Angel-chan? Honey-chan? They'd call me Papa-chan and love me so much!"

Zoro grit his teeth. He was going to go take a hot bath _right now_, get his dick back, and fuck the twirling, drooling idiot right on top of the kitchen table. Maybe even eat his favorite soup right off the grinning bastard's stomach while he begged for more. Follow it up with some nice oily salad dressing and do some extra skewering of his own.

Yeah.

"Zorooo-chwaaaan are you going already! Your soup will get cooooooold!" Sanji called after him. "But it's okaaayyy! I'll warm it with the power of my love for you! I'm bereft until your return, my sweet!"

Zoro missed his dick and walked faster.

**END**


	2. The Girl Named

**Title: **The Woman Named…  
**Universe:** One Piece  
**Theme/Topic: **N/A  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Character/Pairing/s:** Zoro, Sanji, Robin, Nami, Usopp, Luffy, Chopper  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None I can imagine. Just… OOC and stupidity. XD  
**Word Count:** 932  
**Summary:** Related to my ficlet "Girlish Fantasies"- Fem!Zoro is Christened. The Marines are ever creative.  
**Dedication:** kotszok- I'M HAPPY YOU FEEL BETTER. XD**  
A/N:** THIS IS JUST CRACK AND NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE SENSE, OKAY? Written mostly for my own amusement. And maybe Kaja's, if she finds this sort of stupidity funny. XD (Shall we just call this the Switch-Switch verse?)  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, though I wish constantly.  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

"PAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-- OWWWW."

Usopp paused in the middle of his laughter to rub at his arm where Zoro had punched him. Then promptly resumed his laughter, because despite the pain, it was _that _funny. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA_HA!_"

Zoro scowled and tried to grab at the Wanted poster the aho-chef was holding. "Not a goddamned word from any of you," he said, and might have been just the tiniest bit embarrassed.

Sanji snatched it away before he could get hold of it and forced him to dodge a kick to the head instead. "HANDS OFF, you'll _wrinkle_ it, aho-marimo!"

Nami grinned.

Robin politely hid her smile behind her hand, but it didn't fade any from her eyes. Chopper hid behind her, mirth effectively quashed by Zoro's fearsome scowl (except not completely). She patted his head.

Luffy picked his nose. Mostly because he wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

Sanji ogled the poster like it was some sort of dirty magazine pin up.

"_Lola_-chan _ne_?" he fluttered, and kissed the slip of parchment happily. "A lovely name for a lovely lady!" he swooned, body going all wobbly and creepy-like with hearts flying out everywhere.

Zoro dodged them.

At the reminder of _what _exactly, was so hysterical, Usopp burst out laughing again. "RORONOA LOLA!!!!" he guffawed, and slapped the railing behind him repeatedly with his hand. "I CAN'T BREATHE! I CAN'T BREATHE! AHAHAH I'M GOING TO DIE."

"Yeah you are," Zoro growled, and that little nerve on his forehead was popping out rather magnificently now.

Nami and Robin, spurred a little by Usopp's antics, cracked even broader smiles themselves, but showed just the slightest bit more self-control than the cannoneer and refrained from engaging in the hysterics.

"Those marines can be impressively creative," Robin acknowledged instead, in all sweetness.

It made Zoro grind his teeth.

"It's a… very pretty name," Nami agreed quickly, with an innocence-that-wasn't-right-on-her-because-it-was-100-percent-fake. It was only there at all because she was trying her best to behave. Because this was a delicate matter. She even managed to hold back the "for a stripper," part of the last comment that lingered on the edge of her mind and considered it a huge victory for political correctness and her good friend's sensitive half-womanly feelings.

She didn't want Zoro to be _mad _at her after all. Especially with the new wanted poster-- hot off the presses—so adamantly declaring that Roronoa-Zoro-slash-Roronoa-Lola was officially "the most dangerous transvestite to ever sail Grand Line."

It was positively _petrifying_. Nami was certain that a girl like little old her just wouldn't stand a chance against someone like that.

"Yeah it's a good name! It's a good name for a_ stripper_!!" Usopp supplied in her stead—perhaps lacking her admirable self-control-- and continued to slap the railing as he struggled for oxygen between guffaws.

"I don't get it!" Luffy whined, and flicked a booger overboard.

Sanji spun in little heart-filled pirouettes. "My sweet Lola-chan!!"

Zoro snarled and grabbed the chef by the collar. "Would you cut that out?! SHE'S NOT REAL."

He dodged a particularly vicious swipe of leg to the head at that. "Don't insult the lady when she's not even around, cretin!"

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"And the best part, and the _best part_?!" Usopp continued, currently oblivious to Zoro's protests as he laughed until tears were streaming down the face. "THE BEST PART IS

LOLA'S BOUNTY IS HIGHER THAN ZORO'S!!!"

Nami couldn't hold it back anymore. She burst out laughing with a big, classically spit-filled "PFFFFFFFFT!!!!" and dissolved into giggles right alongside the sharpshooter. "IT TOTALLY IS!!!" the orange-haired navigator shrieked, completely losing her cool and slapping her own leg in the same way Usopp was hitting the railing behind him. "AND IT…AHAHAH IT MAKES COMPLETE SENSE TOO!!"

Zoro paused at that, catching the aho-chef's foot a millimeter from his face. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?!" he demanded, indignant.

Nami pointed right at his scary scowly _man _face and gasped between chortles in a very unladylike manner. "LOLA'S FACE IS SO MUCH BETTER LOOKING THAN THAT!" she shouted, and stabbed the finger that was pointing at Zoro's irate profile in the air a couple of times for emphasis. "OF COURSE THEY'D PREFER LOLA'S! IT'S ONLY… IT'S ONLY NATURAL! AHAHAHAHA!"

"Nami-swan is so smart!!!" Sanji cooed in complete agreement, and the foot in Zoro's hand suddenly lost the two tons of raw force behind it as the blond idiot began to do that wibbly thing with his whole body again.

Disgusted, Zoro tossed down said foot. Sanji twirled flawlessly, hearts and stars in his idiotic eyes as he naturally regained his balance.

"I'm going to go take a nap," the swordsman snarled, glowering at everyone and officially fed up. "Wake me when this nightmare is over."

Everyone watched him go.

Silence.

"Mmm, perhaps we hurt kenshi-san's feelings, ne?" Robin posed, after a moment.

"M-maybe," Chopper said, blinking. "Is he angry?"

"Maybe a bit hormonal," Robin supplied. "He is…going through some changes."

There was a brief pause, as the rest of the Straw Hat pirates stopped to take this possibility in.

"He was angry. Probably," Nami conceded, thoughtfully contrite. "PMS?"

Robin shrugged.

"For what? For what?" Luffy demanded, still lost. "Zoro's mad for what?"

Everyone stared at him.

And then, he blinked. "Were we talking about Zoro's boobs again?" he asked, around the finger in his nose.

A beat.

A long, drawn out, anxious beat.

"NO WE WERE TALKING ABOUT _LOLA'S_ BOOBS!!!" Usopp shouted when he couldn't hold his tongue anymore. Because it had to be said. It_ had_ to.

Everyone fell down laughing again.

**END**


	3. Diseased

**Title: **Diseased  
**Universe:** One Piece  
**Theme/Topic: **N/A  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Character/Pairing/s:** Zoro, Chopper, Nami, Robin, Luffy, Usopp Sanji (light ZoroxSanji)  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None I can imagine  
**Word Count:** 1,270  
**Summary:** Switch-Switch verse fic- Zoro is wounded.  
**Dedication:** kotszok- anything with blood and Zoro is for you, love. XD**  
A/N:** LOL I AM GOING TO HELL FOR THIS. And it is kind of rushed because I have to leave for class, but I HOPE it is enjoyable anyway. LOL   
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, though I wish constantly.  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

Zoro woke up covered in blood.

He felt like he'd been stabbed.

Which, to be fair, wasn't an unusual occurrence _exactly_ considering his lifestyle choices, but even still, he couldn't remember being wounded the night before in any sort of battle. He did however, remember wanting to grab that stupid-ass love cook by the throat a little more than usual yesterday (so he could _shake_ him to death). Which, in retrospect, he supposed was grounds enough to blame as a possible cause for the injury, considering how much the chef liked to hit him.

But he was pretty sure that—while he'd _wanted _to— he just hadn't had the energy to actually follow through with shaking the cream puff to death last night. It had all really been in his head at best. And last time he'd checked, fantasizing about things didn't actually make them happen in real life (though wouldn't it be neat if it did?).

So it still didn't explain the blood or the mind numbing pain, though it was the closest thing he could imagine that might have caused his condition.

Weird.

Right, first thing was first.

Zoro hissed and climbed out of his hammock, figuring he ought to maybe stem the flow before sitting around trying to figure out what had happened. He ambled towards the infirmary and hoped Chopper might have some sort of explanation or something.

Five minutes later, the doctor blinked up at Zoro as the swordsman ambled into his makeshift infirmary without so much as a how-do-you-do. "Zoro?" the small reindeer asked tentatively, a mixture of surprise and concern. Zoro didn't like the infirmary.

"Bleeding," Zoro explained, looking more disgruntled than usual. "Fix it."

"O-okay," the doctor responded quickly, inviting Roronoa to sit down on the examination table. "Where are you cut?"

Zoro pointed at his crotch.

Chopper stared.

"Fix it," Zoro reiterated. "Er, please," he added, when he realized Chopper would probably have to get some sharp pointy things near his private bits in order to properly examine the injury. He didn't want the doctor disgruntled if that was going to happen, after all.

Silence.

And just when Zoro was beginning to lose his patience, "I'M SORRY ZORO I CAN'T FIX THAT!"

Zoro blinked. He hadn't expected that. Maybe a "What did you DO?" or a "This looks bad" at the very worst, but not an outright refusal to help. "What, really?"

Chopper, pink-faced, nodded. And then gestured towards the mirror in the back of the room, next to the little reindeer's life-sized anatomy model (a gift from Robin).

Zoro stared into the mirror. Long hair and long eye-lashes stared back at him. He decided he really needed to buy a bra or stop wearing white t-shirts if this was going to happen all the time.

"Yeah," he said, and turned back to Chopper. "I know I'm all girly right now. So?"

Chopper stared. "You mean…" the reindeer made a vague gesture. "You don't…"

"I don't see what it has to do with me bleeding all over the place." Zoro simply figured he'd woken up in female form because blood had water in it, and it became cold while he'd been bleeding-slash-sleeping and here we were.

Chopper cleared his throat. "Girls um… sometimes… that is, it's just a natural um, occurrence… and I uh… you're going to bleed."

Zoro blinked. "Huh?"

Chopper squirmed. "That is… you can't stop it… it's how nature works and um… so you're going to bleed for a couple of days. Probably five or six."

The swordsman's eyebrows darted up. "For a couple of days?" Pause. Swallow. "Am I dying?" He could only surmise that it was some sort of bleeding disease or something, and fuck it if it was fatal, he was _not going out like that_.

"No!" Chopper rushed to assure him. "You bleed but you don't die from it."

Zoro had stabbing pains in his stomach that told him otherwise, and he wasn't sure how much he believed Chopper's assurance that he wasn't going to croak from whatever it was that had cut him, even if the little guy was a doctor. Zoro had never seen anything bleed for five days and not die, after all.

Plus, his stomach really hurt.

"Are you sure I'm not going to…"

"Yes," Chopper promised. "It won't kill you." He paused, read the skeptical look on the swordsman's face properly. "Uh! You've bled a whole lot more than this before and lived, right?"

Zoro thought about that.

"Yeah, I guess."

The reindeer sighed in relief.

And then, "So, what do I do?"

Chopper blinked. "Um, maybe you could t-talk to Robin, or Nami about what they do when er, when it comes?"

Zoro stared. "You mean it happens to them too?" His eyes narrowed. They'd probably given it to him in the first place. Diseases were contagious on small ships, after all. "Every month?"

Chopper nodded, slowly.

Well, Zoro supposed that explained a lot about them. He'd be made of iron if he had to do this once a month for the rest of his life too.

Luckily, that wasn't the case.

Because from everything Chopper had been telling him, he was pretty sure he had a cure for whatever illness he'd come down with this morning.

Zoro took a deep breath. "Right. I'm gonna go boil some water," he said after a minute, and decided that he would like his penis back now. It was trusty and strong and faithful, and had never bled like a wimp on him before or caught any retarded monthly diseases that didn't kill you. He supposed he knew where the term "don't be a pussy" came from now though. Stupid pussy and its diseases with blood.

He stood and trudged towards the bathroom.

Later, when he poured hot water all over himself and nothing happened, Chopper theorized that it was a biological entity he'd just have to wait out from month to month, which was why he'd woken up as a girl despite going to bed a man in the first place.

Sanji cooed and twirled and made him soothing teas and little girly-girl sandwiches and promised to do whatever he could to make Lola-chan more comfortable. Zoro scowled and told him to fuck off.

When the chef only sighed sympathetically and pat the swordsman's hair, saying something about "PMS" and "Poor Mellorine," Zoro punched him in the face hard (though he wasn't sure why that had pissed him off so bad).

Nami and Robin shot him sympathetic looks all through dinner after that, and Zoro thought he would never get over the little lesson they'd given him earlier that afternoon—one that had involved some mortifying decisions and ultimately, closing his eyes, gritting his teeth, and going with choice number two with its plastic applicators used for putting tab B into slot A.

And while everyone made a conscious effort to try and cheer him up about his little predicament throughout the remainder of the evening (only succeeding in making him even _more_ irritable), it was Chopper's innocently optimistic comment that made the blood in his veins run absolutely cold.

"I guess this means you _can_ have babies after all, Zoro! Isn't that great?"

Sanji passed out from sheer and utter joy.

Luffy laughed and thought Zoro would look funny fat and Usopp vowed to be the best uncle ever, _ever_.

Zoro glared at them all from his seat and realized that after all these years of thinking otherwise, he'd actually been very, very wrong. Men and women weren't really equals like he'd always believed they were.

Men were dumb.

**END**


	4. Wiles

**Title:** Wiles   
**Universe:** One Piece  
**Theme/Topic:** Sanji's Birthday  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Character/Pairing/s:** ZoroxSanji  
**Warnings/Spoilers:** None I can imagine. BUT LOTS OF OOC SORRY ABOUT THAT.  
**Word Count: **1,159  
**Summary:** fic in the Switch Switch verse- Zoro knows what Sanji wants. It's just an issue of handing it over.  
**Dedication:** kotszok, who has been pestering me for WEEKS to write OP. LOL sorry it took so long! And that there is no blood. I SUCK OK?! sob  
**A/N:** LOL I definitely did not write Zoro right here. SORRY KAJA. I FAIL AT LIFE.  
**Disclaimer:** Not mine, though I wish constantly.  
**Distribution:** Just lemme know.

* * *

As it tended to be year in and year out, the fact that tomorrow was Sanji's birthday posed a bit of a problem for Zoro.

And just to be clear, it wasn't problematic simply because he was expected to be nice to the dumbass (though that was usually a pretty big part of it too, all things considered).

No, the main problem was the fact that Zoro wasn't a good shopper. And just because he sometimes turned into a girl didn't change the fact either, though Nami had suggested he try going out on a trip to the marketplace in his female body just once to see if things in the spending-money category improved with the help of the extra estrogen in his system. He'd gotten lots of good 'pretty girl' discounts from the pervy looking vendors sure, but the experience still hadn't made him actually want to buy anything in particular just for the sake of buying it.

Well, that wasn't entirely true, he supposed. He had wanted to buy some slightly more conservative women's clothing for himself just so he wouldn't have to continue borrowing Robin's or Nami's stuff whenever he needed to go out in public as a girl. Wearing their tiny, tiny little strips of cloth-called-outfits while a bunch of drooling guys looked at his bouncy parts was admittedly a bit off-putting.

But the sudden desire to cover himself still didn't help him with the fact that tomorrow was Sanji's birthday and he currently had nil.

No one else on the crew was of any help in the finding presents category either—Luffy and Chopper always found the chef some nice shiny rocks while Robin traditionally let him rub suntan lotion on her back on his birthday. Nami usually just gave the cook a cute picture of herself with a reminder of how much money he currently owed her written on the back, and this year Usopp was planning on presenting Sanji with a promissory note vowing to stop wasting ketchup and Tabasco sauce and other various food items when loading his arsenal of projectile weaponry.

And while those were all good and fine for the rest of the crew, Zoro had the sneaking suspicion that those sorts of things wouldn't fly with him if he were to try them, because he might possibly be held to a different standard than everyone else considering the fact that there was sex involved between he and the chef.

It was just a _hunch_.

One that maybe was built on the fact that last year, when he'd tried to get in on the whole shiny rocks plan with Chopper and Luffy, Zoro had been the only one of the three rock presenters kicked rather viciously in the head afterwards.

Thus, the problem.

And so Roronoa Zoro spent the remainder of the afternoon on the eve of his lover's birthday sitting alone on deck and trying to determine whether he should go through the trouble of buying something or just kill the idiot before midnight tonight so as to make gift giving moot altogether.

Option two was very, very tempting.

Especially considering how singularly unfair it was that more was expected of Zoro than anyone else when Sanji knew very well that the swordsman wasn't any good at this kind of stuff in he first place. The _girls _(or the _born _girls, rather) were the ones who were good at buying nice things, and it was a supreme injustice that despite that, they didn't even have to _get_ Sanji anything really. The dumbass probably would have been happy with something as simple a little wink or a smile from either of them, or even just the chance to watch them turn left in those scandalous little skirts of theirs and…

Pause.

Blink.

Waitaminute.

The swordsman's severe expression suddenly turned inspired as realization dawned on him. "Fucking hell," he muttered to himself, and recognized the fact that he might just have the perfect present for a perverted idiot like Sanji in mind after all. And one that required _absolutely no shopping _at that.

He just needed to gather up the courage to use it first.

But Roronoa Zoro— be he in male body or female body—was no coward, and as simple as that, his course of action was decided for him, even despite his minor misgivings.

He was going to give that goddamned love-chef the present _of his life_.

The next day, long after Luffy and Chopper had presented their shiny rocks, Robin had gotten her suntan oil, Nami had given her picture, and Usopp had made his promise, Zoro gritted his teeth, clutched his water bottle in hand, and approached the chef.

"Oi, dumbass," the swordsman began; challengingly deliberate as he faced the other man head on.

"What, not even rocks this year?" Sanji started back waspishly, immediately on the offensive and calling Zoro out on the whole not-having-a-present-to-give-him-at-dinner-like-everyone-else thing.

"Shut the fuck up for a second, will you?" Zoro ground out, and set his jaw determinedly as he slowly uncapped the water bottle in his hand. It was now or never, do or die.

Zoro promptly dumped the whole thing over his head.

The chef gaped. "L-lola-chwan?" he asked, and clearly had not been expecting that (of all things) as Zoro stood there in front of him, now a foot shorter, long-haired, and sporting a pair of boobs in a really wet, oversized T-shirt.

"Happy birthday," Zoro announced then, and then promptly lifted up the front of said really wet, oversized T-shirt.

He counted backwards from three.

Though Sanji passed out before he could even finish saying "one."

Zoro lowered his shirt then, and looked down at the unconscious, grinning idiot at his feet. He nudged the blond with his toe, and got some sort of happy shivery reaction in response.

And despite the fact that he'd just _flashed _a guy, Zoro couldn't help but feel oddly satisfied with his gift to the chef this year, given the reaction he'd just gotten out of the usually smug bastard.

Apparently 2.5 seconds of boobs was definitely a step up from shiny rocks.

That done, Roronoa Zoro (in Lola form) headed for the shower to go clean up and figured that the stupid love-cook would probably be able to regain consciousness in the fifteen minutes it would take for him to go grab a nice hot shower and get ready for the birthday sex that would inevitably follow getting the _best present ever_.

The swordsman grinned to himself and whistled all the way to the bathroom.

And, he told himself happily, the best part about the whole thing wasn't the fact that he'd clearly won in the kick-ass present category. No, the _real _best thing about all of this was the fact that now, now Zoro knew exactly what to do for the pervert on his birthday _next year_ as well.

Next year he'd just count backwards from _five_.

**END**


End file.
